my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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