Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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