Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
