Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
