then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
