I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
