i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
