Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
