the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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