I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
