Umm I'm too high to move.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
