Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
