can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
