i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
