sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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