I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you win again, gameday.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
