i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
