I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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