I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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