listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
