I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
