please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
