I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
