I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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