What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
