nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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