My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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