if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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