I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
