beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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