i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
