after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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