My room smells like vodka and shame
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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