He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
