she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
