U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
