if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
