Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
