70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
