I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
