my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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