Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
