My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
