I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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