I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
