Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
