Your face is a jimmy john
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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