Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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