So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
