he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
