Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
