Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
