i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
