So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
